Just rode back from Frenchay to Portishead in full IronHorse Extreme team kit... and flip flops. What a numptie. I forgot my bike shoes and ended up having to look like a complete wannabe cycling my single speed in all the gear... no shoes. My feet are now filthy and raw between the toes and the soles of my flip flops are worn away!
But the legs felt good and I'm really looking forward to a weekend at Afan riding FOR FUN!!! And then it's back to proper training and getting my head around Mayhem which is my next race. Seems like a long way away but is only a few months.
Back to work...
Thursday, 24 April 2008
Monday, 21 April 2008
Questions
A new life, new house, new start. But rather than feeling secure and settled, I have too many questions.
Like what's the point in racing around in circles in the dark, not really enjoying yourself? I won the Nightrider 12 hr, my first target race of the season. But I didn't enjoy it. I just kept thinking 'I don't want to do Mayhem' and 'What's the point?'
I train hard, I focus. But why? I miss out on riding with my friends, on seeing beautiful places, on laughter and solidarity and friendship. I miss out on a lot. And I sacrifice it so that I can be the best? But I'm never going to be the best. I'm not made that way. I am going to be 'above average' and that is going to be a struggle.
But is there a way I can enjoy training more AND do fairly well at the events. Or will I be constantly tormented by 'you could be better if you trained properly'.
Do I have to leave this world altogether to find happiness? I feel like someone is trying to squeeze me (a square peg) into a round hole. I just don't belong here. The life of me has been bashed out. The energy and enthusiasm. I am trying to be someone I'm not. And last night at the race I was the closest I have ever been to being that person. The competition may not have been up to Mayhem standards but I raced well. I rode hard and consistently and made few mistakes. I smashed the field and should have patted myself on the back and said 'there you are, it's all paying off'.
But no. I feel empty, pointless, like a fraud. The best bit of the race was talking to friends before and after. So what should I do?
Like what's the point in racing around in circles in the dark, not really enjoying yourself? I won the Nightrider 12 hr, my first target race of the season. But I didn't enjoy it. I just kept thinking 'I don't want to do Mayhem' and 'What's the point?'
I train hard, I focus. But why? I miss out on riding with my friends, on seeing beautiful places, on laughter and solidarity and friendship. I miss out on a lot. And I sacrifice it so that I can be the best? But I'm never going to be the best. I'm not made that way. I am going to be 'above average' and that is going to be a struggle.
But is there a way I can enjoy training more AND do fairly well at the events. Or will I be constantly tormented by 'you could be better if you trained properly'.
Do I have to leave this world altogether to find happiness? I feel like someone is trying to squeeze me (a square peg) into a round hole. I just don't belong here. The life of me has been bashed out. The energy and enthusiasm. I am trying to be someone I'm not. And last night at the race I was the closest I have ever been to being that person. The competition may not have been up to Mayhem standards but I raced well. I rode hard and consistently and made few mistakes. I smashed the field and should have patted myself on the back and said 'there you are, it's all paying off'.
But no. I feel empty, pointless, like a fraud. The best bit of the race was talking to friends before and after. So what should I do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
