Questions

A new life, new house, new start. But rather than feeling secure and settled, I have too many questions.

Like what's the point in racing around in circles in the dark, not really enjoying yourself? I won the Nightrider 12 hr, my first target race of the season. But I didn't enjoy it. I just kept thinking 'I don't want to do Mayhem' and 'What's the point?'

I train hard, I focus. But why? I miss out on riding with my friends, on seeing beautiful places, on laughter and solidarity and friendship. I miss out on a lot. And I sacrifice it so that I can be the best? But I'm never going to be the best. I'm not made that way. I am going to be 'above average' and that is going to be a struggle.

But is there a way I can enjoy training more AND do fairly well at the events. Or will I be constantly tormented by 'you could be better if you trained properly'.

Do I have to leave this world altogether to find happiness? I feel like someone is trying to squeeze me (a square peg) into a round hole. I just don't belong here. The life of me has been bashed out. The energy and enthusiasm. I am trying to be someone I'm not. And last night at the race I was the closest I have ever been to being that person. The competition may not have been up to Mayhem standards but I raced well. I rode hard and consistently and made few mistakes. I smashed the field and should have patted myself on the back and said 'there you are, it's all paying off'.

But no. I feel empty, pointless, like a fraud. The best bit of the race was talking to friends before and after. So what should I do?